Asuna and the Terrible Trio
by 26778343a
Summary: Three members of The Knights of the Blood turned PKKer work under the contract of their former guild to eliminate reclusive sects of the waning Laughing Coffin. After a chance encounter with the Black Swordsman, they are drawn into a pro-bono mission to single-handedly clear the 56th floor in a bid to avoid life in prison.
1. Queen of the OSS

Chapter 1: Queen of the O.S.S.

They arrived at the target building, a double-decker brick home the color of an early sunrise, peppered with shoddy crooked windows in seemingly random intervals. The three figures, cloaked under cover of darkness, glided across the expanse of grass between themselves and the entranceway, and formed up against the wall. Two on one side, one on the other. The smallest of the three figures pushed off the wall and paced to the front of the door, the small torch hung abreast the doorway painting her delicate features in a soft red tone. The sole of Myla's boot stabbed at the hard wooden door with a fearful crash, but nothing else, eliciting the conjuration of a large hexagonal hologram denoting it as an Immortal Object. She grinned, and raised her right hand into the air while twitching her first two fingers as if hooking the air with cat-claws. Go, go, she whispered to her two companions, a large black man in a suit of silver armor and a red-haired woman dressed in a green leather duster. The rather festive woman wedged her blade between the door and frame, resting the sharpened edge upon the bolt. With the slightest twitch of her shoulder blades, her sword began to glow a deep red.

She pulled down with both hands, hard, and with the sound of hissing molten steel the door creaked open on rusted hinges. The black man advanced silently, placing his left palm on the gnarled wood of the entrance. Gently shifting his weight forward, the door swung the rest of the way open with a minimum of sound. A set of spiral stairs began on their immediate left, while a small hallway lined with pixelated paintings gave way to a darkened kitchen nook in front. White colored auras illuminated their forms before dulling to a subtle gray, denoting the activation of their Cloaks.

"Myla, Lexus, clear the second floor. I'll wait on the stairs in case anyone's lingering in the kitchen. Just yell out if it gets too hairy," whispered the black man.

"Roger. Be careful Aegis," whispered Myla.

Aegis, eyes remaining fixated upon the dim kitchen nook, gave them a solid thumbs-up. Hearts emboldened, the two women ascended the stairs, rolling their feet from heel to toe to avoid unnecessary noise. Myla summoned her menu, and sightlessly equipped a jade machete and obsidian karambit. The gesture was three simple flicks of her wrist, taking full advantage of the system's instant response time. Muscle memory allowed her to perform this flawless motion in less than half a second. Lexus, a conventional one-handed sword user, idly spun her iron broadsword in lazy circles, switching from hand to hand in an effortless display of strength and dexterity.

The entire second floor was a four-bed loft, four-poster queen-sized luxuries spotting all four corners of the room.

The silence was palpable. From here, it was unpredictable. Four targets. They considered calling Aegis up, but the adrenaline coating their nerves was demanding a bloodbath. Their eyes darted from target to target, wondering which to kill first.

Their employer had offered a larger reward for capturing this Laughing Coffin detachment alive, but one or two casulaties couldn't hurt, right?

"Difference between hardtack or a shortcake," whispered Lexus.

"Shut up."

Lexus cracked her neck and rolled her shoulders. She sheathed her sword in the scabbard at her waist, and adopted a low, square stance, the distance between her feet slightly exceeding shoulder width. It was a strange adaptation of Horizontal, tailored for the delight of a California-born Iaido afficionado. Myla thought it was unbelievably stupid.

The scabbard began to glow, and Myla couldn't restrain her voice. "Lexus, what the hell are you-"

"YAH!" The taller woman rushed forth with a comical warcry, her sword screaming from the sheathe. The oil-slicked edge slid gracefully out and over the scabbard, and she beheaded the two players on the left who had shot up in their beds upon hearing her soulful yawp.

She turned to Myla and winked. The two heads balanced tenuously upon the flat of the blade, swaying slightly from side to side. The frozen expressions of shock on their drawn faces gave way to a brilliant display of light and sound as their forms collapsed into shattered polygons.

The man in the far-right corner was still fumbling with his menu when Myla threw her jade sword like a javelin, piercing him in the neck. He gasped in shock as the embedded blade wrought its Poison, chipping away at the bit of red remaining in his bar. He collapsed bonelessly to the polished teak floor, the palm-sized jar of honey he had accidentally selected rolling off the tips of his fingers to the foot of the remaining Coffin's bed.

The last PKer, a young black-haired boy with a puggish face who couldn't have been more than sixteen, had managed to produce a massive greatsword, which he was swinging in wild arcs to keep his assailants at bay. The two woman looked frantically for an opening, before Myla dove in, offhand dagger first.

"Myla!" cried Lexus. But the menu appeared above Myla's empty hand for but a moment, materializing a crude iron shield evocative of a trashcan lid, which she brutally rammed into the Coffin's incoming greatsword. Clang! The durability of the shield dropped instantly to zero, and disappeared in a crimson burst, but Myla's momentum carried her seamlessly into a bonecracking shoulder tackle that sent her opponent flying into the brick wall like the bullet of an elephant gun.

She leapt across the room and mounted the young Coffin, stabbing him in the face with the karambit. The knife shone red-purple-green-blue as she unleashed consecutive point-blank Sword Skills directly into his face, obstructing his field of view.

If only, she thought between frenzied, accelerated swings, you could gib in this game!

A pair of strong hands on her shoulders pulled her off the boy before she could land the finishing blow. She despaired as she was drawn away from the shellshocked young man broken on the floor, all white sclera and gaping mouth. She turned sharply on her heel and glared at Lexus, her mouth contorted into a scowl. "What?"

"We should probably leave at least one alive. Good for our reputation and all that."

"Since when the hell have you been the voice of reason?"

Lexus grinned, her cheeks plainly flushed in the pale moonlight flitting in through the loft's single window. She was the very picture of angelic purity. "I'm full of all kinds of surprises."

She fumbled through her menu, seeking a scarcely used weapon. She summoned a single Paralysis needle, and held it aloft between her thumb and forefinger, taking careful aim at the traumatized Coffin as though engrossed in a rousing game of darts.

Fwip. The needle struck him dead in the eye.

"Heh."

The Coffin disappeared in an upward spiral of red polygons.

"..."

Aegis rushed up the stairs, a skinny young man in drawers caught in a chokehold by his muscular right arm. He opened his mouth to eagerly announce his success before the loft, fully deserted save for the two women gazing listlessly at a spot on the wall, fully registered in his mind.

"Motherfuck."

* * *

The unfortunately named Son Goku Williams glared at them from his personal corner of the dungeon's saferoom.

"Fuck you guys."

Son Goku Williams, who the trio had mercifully agreed to call Bill, was curled into the fetal position on the floor the best he could while wrapped in three layers of dragon-shit chain. Tears were building in his eyes as he desperately twitched his fingers, hoping to summon freedom via a Teleport Crystal. Three millimeters of give made it a fool's errand.

Aegis was bent over a spread of bread, meat, and assorted fine cheese, brow furrowed as he racked his brain for a tasty after-slaughter combination. "I'll let you have a sandwich if you watch your mouth."

Lexus clapped her hands and rolled over on the mattress she was laying on, easing her way onto her stomach. Her chin dangled off the edge of the mattress, making contact with the cold granite floor. Her lips curled into a cheery grin. "I'll feed you the sandwich if you tell me where the rest of your buddies are. Eh? Eh?"

Bill shut his wet eyes tight, and fantasized about possible fun jailtime activities.

From within the tent set up in the center of the room, Myla's voice rang out, a distinct whiny tinge coloring her voice. "Aegis, can't we just kill him?"

The large black man shrugged. "Not if you want to upgrade that machete of yours anytime soon."

"Arrgh."

Their ears perked up as the sound of hard-soled boots pounding on stone came within range. As it grew closer, Aegis and Lexus summoned their weapons and assumed a loose battle stance. Myla poked her head out the flaps of the tent and yawned, smiling crookedly at nothing in particular.

An elegant figure with long chestnut hair filled the entranceway, resplendent in white and red robes billowing out behind her, the signature of the Knights of the Blood. Her hardened eyes and the aquamarine rapier Lambent Light slung at her side afforded the slender girl an intimidating presence.

Asuna the Flash, the sub-commander of the Knights of the Blood, a renowned figure Aincrad over, come of the regal 55th floor in order to conduct dignified business on behalf of the esteemed-

Myla snorted. "Delivery for you in the corner Mrs. Flash."

Asuna glared at her, nostrils flaring. She pointed at the figure subdued in chains playing dead in the corner of the room. "That's it? There should be four other people here!"

Aegis coughed. "About that..."

"Unbelievable." Asuna strode across the room and bent over the captured Coffin, prodding his exposed forehead with a delicate finger.

"Please stop that," Bill cried.

"What did you do with the rest of them?" Asuna demanded. She looked around the room, saw three identical red marks, and sighed. "Don't answer that. The Guild Leader won't be happy about this."

Lexus guffawed. "Like we give a damn about what the old man thinks."

Myla turned slightly over onto her right side, propping her chin on her hand. She adopted a pensive look. "Yeah, I always wondered about that. He must be what? 50? 60?"

"Pretty buff old dude though," offered Aegis.

An eerily synchronized chorus of "Uh-huh" resonated in the room.

Asuna rose to her full height, spine ramrod straight. She rested her hand on the pommel of her sword. "You're all treading on thin ice. I've been defending you the best I can, but the Council is beginning to wonder if you lot are any better than the PKers you hunt."

"Probably not, we have a pretty high kill count," offered Lexus.

Myla growled. "Shut up!" She glanced at Asuna. "Asuna, you know we're not like them. You know us better than that."

The young sub-commander fingered the pommel of her sword nervously. "Out of deference for our shared history-"

"Oh, cut the shit Asuna! You're what, seventeen?" Myla huffed. "You're no fun. Go out and get laid."

"I-I-!" Asuna stammered. She turned red from the neck up, jaw clenched shut. She pointed a shaking finger at the girl lounging in the tent. "I-I...I will get in touch should we require your services again."

Myla nodded. "Thought so."

With a pained grunt, Asuna hefted the squirming Bill in one arm, while fingering the menu screen with the other. With a tense hand, she tossed a bag of Col the size of her head at Myla's face. The girl's arms shot out of the depths of the tent and caught it, eyes wide with greed. Asuna held abreast a turquoise Teleport Crystal and shot one last glare at the denizens of the room.

Lexus jumped up and smiled, extending her arms for a warm embrace. "Bye Asuna!" Said embrace never came.

Aegis bit his lower lip and looked anywhere but at the furious girl. "Um, be well Asuna."

She disappeared in a burst of white light, the faint echo of a rabid growl left in her wake.

In that moment of awkward silence, Myla lifted her left sleeve with her teeth and regarded the crossed-out Knights of the Blood tattoo emblazoned on her forearm. "Best decision we ever made." She held the bag of Col tightly to her chest and smiled serenely.

* * *

The hammer nearly fell onto Lisbeth's foot when two consecutive message notifications popped into her field of view. Kirito leapt across the room in a blur of black and silver, catching the hammer before it could even begin to fall. He twirled it to-and-fro, quite satisfied with himself, and grinned at Lisbeth.

"Gotcha."

Lisbeth bit her lip, brow scrunched and eyes narrowed. "I nearly botched the upgrade..."

The pair shot a look at the Dark Repulsor resting on the anvil. Kirito shrugged his shoulders. "It'd be alright even if you did. I got enough raw materials for at least three more."

Lisbeth punched him in the arm. "Kirito!"

"What~?"

"I got a message from Asuna, and some...clients. Sorry, can your sword wait? I need to make a house call."

"House call?"

"Yeah," Lisbeth looked down at the ground. "It's a group of red players who obviously can't come to the shop."

Kirito's eyes narrowed. "I'm going with you." He scooped the Dark Repulsor up off the anvil and sheathed it on his back in one smooth motion, hair fluttering from the swiftly displaced air. Lisbeth's heart skipped a beat, and she covered her face to hide the blush rapidly spreading across her cheeks.

"U-um, you don't have to do that-!"

"Nonsense." Kirito's bangs fell over his face in a manner befitting a shampoo model. The Black Swordsman's eyes shone from beneath the veil of hair, silently promising the blacksmith the reliable protection of his big swords. "C'mon, take off your uniform and let's go."

"E-excuse me?"

"Uh, put on some tough fighting garb and grab something to hit things with?"

"Don't patronize me!"

Kirito tilted his head. "...Sorry?"

Lisbeth stamped her foot on the ground. "Enough. If you insist, you may accompany me."

"Heh." Kirito scratched the back of his head. "After you, my lady."

After an alternating chain of curses and inappropriate flirting, they exited the shop, fully equipped and ready for adventure. Lisbeth brought up the menu and locked her store, and then the two made their way to the Teleport Gate.

"So," Kirito began. He rubbed his hands together. "Why are you doing business with murderers?"

"Well, they're not really bad guys." Lisbeth's tone was wholly unconvincing.

"Really? What sort of people are they?"

"Ah-"

* * *

A hexagonal flash of light cut through the air as Myla performed six consecutive one-handed Sword Skills with her machete and karambit. Lexus came in low and unleashed her broadsword in the Iaido facsmile she had demonstrated during the prior night's slaughter.

Lexus giggled. "And Aegis, that's where you come in and grab them by the balls."

The man buried his face in his hands, ashamed of his comrades. He took a large bite out of his ham sandwich, and reassessed the life decisions that had ultimately culminated in this present moment.


	2. The False Dual-Wielder

Chapter 2: The False Dual-Wielder

On the 26th floor is a circular clearing in the center of a forest of dead trees, bathed by the light of an eternal crescent moon. I was well-familiar with this clearing, having cleared the quest ascribed to it at the tail-end of the first year of my time in Aincrad. The angel bone sword, Blasphemy, was once buried to the hilt in the center of the clearing, defended by a six-armed lizard man with a bandolier of wicked cleavers and an even nastier breath of fire.

Of course, clearing it solo had been no problem. Blasphemy had fetched a high price on the open market, subsidizing an enchanted black silk duster I had had my eyes on.

It had been a long time. That coat had long since changed hands. The air here was always curiously still, as expected of this floor's Perpetual Halloween. Lisbeth was pacing at my side, nervously pulling at the hem of her skirt. Her face was pinched, her consternation clear and obvious.

I kept one hand on the Elucidator, and kept my senses sharp. In no time at all, I felt a burst of Killing Intent coming from the west, and I brandished my black sword with a flourish. "Show yourselves."

A girlish giggle split the silence, quite removed from the atmosphere of this solemnn haunt, and from the shadows cast by the rotting branches stepped forth three individuals with bright orange diamonds floating atop their heads. A man and two women. The apparent leader, a large black gentleman in a polished suit of armor, knuckles accented by glinting crimson spikes, took the lead and peered down at me with his superior height.

Lisbeth gulped.

"Nice to meet you, Black Swordsman." The man offered his hand. The jewels embedded into his gauntlets had an ominous crimson fog roiling within their depths. "My name is Aegis. I am the director of this guild, the Cross Counter."

I squared my jaw and shook his hand with gusto, releasing after three firm pumps. "You know of me, then?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "I'd be surprised if anyone didn't at this point. You're a bit of a legend."

The taller woman, a big-boned redhead draped in a ridiculous green cloth duster, pointed at me and laughed. I felt my blood rise at this. "Hahaha! This is the Black Swordsman? Look at this goober!"

"G-goober?"

The woman brushed Aegis out of her way, and I reassessed my initial impression of the balance of power within this so-called PKKer guild. She deliberately reached out to the tail of my coat with a pale, freckled hand. She rolled the cloth over between her fingers, seemingly relishing the feel of the dragon skin against her palm. "So soft. Hey, Black Swordsman. How much time did you spend gathering the materials for this?"

I felt my eye twitch. "I'm not going to dignify that question with a response."

Lisbeth swatted the woman's hand away from my coat. I resolved to thank her with all my might after this business was done.

The woman smiled. "Lisbeth, long time no see. Did you make this coat?"

Lisbeth favored her with an uneasy smile. Her pink hair was unkempt, frazzled; being around these people was clearly stressful to her. "No, Lexus. I'm a pure blacksmith."

"Ehh? That's too bad! I've been wanting a handcrafted coat, but none of the good tailors give people like me the time of day."

The diminuitive figure lingering at the edge of the forest's shadow drew back the hood on her head, revealing an olive-skinned beauty with striking amaranthine eyes. I felt a power radiating from this presence absent from the other two, an intangible Quality that felt similar to my own.

She produced a jade machete from within her cloak. She stalked towards Lisbeth, flipping the blade over in her hand to catch it by the flat edge. She offered the handle to Lisbeth, who shakily reached out and accepted the blade. "Careful," whispered the small woman. "It's poisoned."

My eyes widened when I recognized the machete. Back in the beta, that had been a miniboss drop on the 14th floor, tucked away in a room hidden behind a false wall, a high-power high-speed blade with a permanent Poison effect.

These bastards, I thought. So they were the reason that room had been empty. It took me days to figure out a way to hide the existence of that room from clearing group. How did this girl find it?

Lisbeth knelt on the ground and appraised the blade. "Ah...Plus 14. This is already really strong. How much do you want me to augment it? This'll hit the cap soon."

"Just once for now."

"Who are you?"

My demand cut through the solemn discourse and suffused the clearing with a heavy atmosphere. The woman in the cloak turned to me slowly, eyes sparkling with satisfaction at being acknowledged. She placed her arms akimbo and grinned. "Myla. Just a simple PKKer, Black Swordsman."

"I don't think so."

"Hm?"

"When you drew that Venom Fang," I pointed at her waist. "I saw another weapon hooked onto your belt."

"Oh? Good eye." She stood on tiptoes and exaggeratedly struggled to peer at the two sword hilts protruding over my back. "Are you feeling a little envious Black Swordsman? Feeling a little less snowflake-y? Insecure?"

"That's not it," I said. My hands yearned to draw my swords, but it wouldn't do any good to provoke three murderers. "Dual Wield is MY unique skill."

"So it is."

"So then how can you explain your swords?"

"Anyone can wield two swords, Kirito."

"But what's the point? What about Sword Skills?"

"I don't need your fancy flake fighting moves." She drew her sword. Faster than I could clearly follow, she brought up her menu, traced a crescent with his index finger, and then instantly manifested a rapier. It was an Outside System Skill I had never seen before...how did she know what she was equipping without looking at the menu? From her belt, she drew a small knife which she then held in a reversed position, her thumb hooked into the hole at the top of the grip. It was a weapon completely foreign to me. "Would you care to duel while Lisbeth finishes upgrading my machete? Dual swords versus dual swords. It'll be fun."

Aegis blurted, "Myla, don't provoke him."

"Shut up Aegis. I want to prove to this guy he isn't some invincible badass."

I scoffed. "I never said I was."

"No," she breathed. She slipped into a low, loose stance, arms encircling her torso in a rapidly shifting guard. She flashed her teeth in a wicked grin. "but you're thinking it."

I growled and resheathed the Elucidator. I drew the Dark Repulsor and held it behind me, tip kissing the soil beneath. I tilted my head to Lisbeth and winked. I turned again upon Myla, kicking up concentric dust rings from the earth with easy twists of my wrist. "Lisbeth's sword should be good enough for you. I won't even need to draw my second blade."

Lexus smiled nervously. She pulled at the collar of her undershirt. "Um, guys. Can we please not do this?"

Myla fixed her with a glare. "Shut up." She reaffirmed her eyes upon my own. "Stop being a dick and draw your second sword. I promise, you'll need it."

"I don't want to be lectured by a murderer."

"Oh? Very cool, Hero. Do you practice all your one-liners while polishing your big things?"

I offered the duel request window. "First strike."

She shot her arm out to the side, dissolving the request. "I'd prefer a duel to the death, honestly."

Aegis's voice boomed in the empty clearing, racking our bodies with thunderous vibrations. The bottomless basso quality of his voice shook me to the core. "That's ENOUGH, Myla. We didn't come here to provoke anyone. What do you think will happen if we kill an innocent member of the clearing group?"

"Everyone will hate us just as much as they hated as before?" She cracked her neck. "I don't see the problem."

I swung the blade up, the light of an aborted Vertical trailing in the evening gloom. I kept it pointed at her, steadfast, the promise of a Vorpal Strike giving her momentary pause. "You will not kill me, and I will not kill you. But should we cross blades, I will ensure you experience the rest of your time in this world in the Black Prison."

"You are not an army dog," sneered Myla. "And you are not an innocent. Or do you think I don't know of your role in the Crusade?"

I opened my mouth to retort, but my words were caught in my throat. I choked back the jumbled syllables, and clicked my teeth shut. I rebelled against the dryness of my mouth, and managed, "That was justice." The words tasted rotten, and I bit back the rising bile.

"You keep on telling yourself that."

I watched her every move as she began to circle me, her footworking betraying a sterling perfection that could have only been born through constant mortal struggle. She had not relaxed her guard for a moment. It was at this moment that I realized that this woman possessed a greater Will to Live than my own. For someone like me, who gallivanted his way through the castle with pretentions of nobility and mercy...could I stand on equal ground with someone who had internalized the unlimited nature of this two-year war?

Kayaba Akihito...the fight was never about your castle in the sky.

Your intentions became meaningless the moment you invited ten thousand lives into your home.

I drew the Elucidator, and prepared for battle.

"Oh?" Her eyes lit up in glee. "That's more like it.

BANG!

A hundred desynchronized chimes rang out all around us, followed shortly by a blinding burst of light. The sound of shifting metal and marching feet closed in upon the clearing, soft murmurs peppering the din, betraying the human nature of this intrusion.

Was this an ambush? No, that's not right. Even at their height, the Laughing Coffins were never more than fifty strong. Three murderers would never have such a force behind them. It was overkill to mobilize this many people versus a solo player and a blacksmith.

That means...

Heathcliff, eyes calm beneath that swaying grey fringe, was the first to appear in the clearing. He took that divine shield of his, and planted it firmly into the soil. Four other Knights followed behind him, all members of his self-styled Council. Asuna was among their number, peering out at us with an inscrutable expression.

In the shadows cast by the dying trees, members of the Army were waiting with their armaments drawn. They would have been invisble were it not for the moonlight reflected off their iron armor. Thinker was shuffled in the crowd, leaning casually against a tree. He did not appear as though he wanted to be here.

"Heathcliff!" I screamed. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Ah, Kirito," he tilted his head. "I wasn't expecting you to be here."

My suspicions were correct then. This is about Myla's crew. But still, this many people to subdue three players?

Aegis sighed. "I should have known it would come to this. Lisbeth, I'm going to go ahead and assume you spilled the beans on our meeting place."

Lisbeth nervously wrung her hands. "I'm sorry, Aegis. Asuna got in contact with me at the same time you did. She just asked for the meeting place, I didn't know there'd be this sort of debacle."

Lexus slashed at the ground with her sword. The soldiers surrounding us shifted uncomfortably, overlapping steel plates clattering as they assumed a battle formation. "Asuna, what the hell?"

"Our Guild Leader has decided," spoke Asuna. Her voice was a quiet, warbling thing. "The Cross Counter is far too dangerous to be allowed to continue operating."

"Indeed," said Heathcliff. "Myla, Lexus. You have killed more people than every member of Laughing Coffin combined. They may have all been murderers, but you've set a dangerous precedent. You are motivated by greed. If you were ever turned upon the Clearing Group, who would be left to complete the game?"

"I don't care about completing the game," Myla spat. "Frankly, I like it here."

"We cannot have children, and this society will not last. It is but a single generation. This era, our era, was conceived as a twilight for our kind."

"So then you're saying that we should escape? I'd rather die here than return to the real world. I think some of you," she gestured grandly at those gathered in the clearing, "understand how I feel. You will go back to a world where you are insignificant. In these two years, we have created myth and legend. No, some of us have become myth and legend. Isn't that right, Black Swordsman?"

"Ugh. Don't drag me into this."

"Isn't that right, Asuna the Flash?"

Asuna crossed her arms and looked away.

Heathcliff raised his sword. "Enough of your selfishness. We will see this game through to the end. That is our Blood Oath. Now Myla, it is time to decide. I've come here personally to give you a choice."

"Oh? Another contract? This is all very dramatic."

"If you refuse both options, we will cut you down right here. Our combined arms with reduce your HP to zero before you have a chance to teleport out."

I remembered her unusual Outside System Skill, and sincerely doubted that.

"Of course, you have the option of imprisonment. But aside from that...we have determined that at some point, players will no longer be able to teleport out in the middle of a boss fight. The existence of anti-Teleport rooms in the lower floors confirms this. We believe the 56th floor to have such a chamber. You and your crew will enter. If you do not come back, we will make the proper adjustments, and come prepared to clear the floor."

Lexus yelped. "That's practically a death sentence!"

Heathcliff smiled. "If you clear the boss, we will never bother you again. The spoils of that battle will belong wholly to your group."

Myla's eyes went wide. She sheathed her blades. "Done."

Aegis groaned. "God damn it."


	3. 6 x 16 equals 54

Chapter 3: 6 x 16 = 54

From out of the darkness of the shadow of the night came a man, dressed in the blackest linens ever crafted from an animal as dark as the night. With his two big swords, two massive entities unleashed for the sole purpose of penetration, he cut through the incipient twilight.

"Gee wilikers!" screamed Asuna. "Kirito why are you so powerful?"

The Black Swordsman grinned. "Sometimes I regret being born. Being born so perfect, that is."

They got into a car and Asuna gave him a blowjob while Kirito drove vertically up the side of Aincraft and onto the 100th floor. While simultaneously climaxing and activating a Sword Skill, Kirito downshifted into third gear and rammed into Heathcliff, breaking all the knuckles in his body.

"Kirito, how dare you ruin my family vacation!" ejaculated Heathcliff.

"FUCK FAMILY!" retorted Kirito smartly.

After returning to the real world, Kirito and Asuna became alcoholics, having forgotten all functions of daily living during their time in the video game. At some point Kirito won a Guitar Hero tournament, which provided them with the money to live in an apartment for three months, after which they gave in to the pressure of the real world. The two split up after realizing they hated each other, the novelty of their teenage puppy love having given way to a deep depression. Kirito was unable to hold a job or continue his education due to his atrophied attention span and intolerance for adderall, and Asuna was sent to prison after setting the Chinese restaurant she worked at on fire while trying to cook in the manner she was accustomed to.

Aegis, Lexus, and Myla all died somewhere

the end


End file.
